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cb() never called! Can't update NPM or install new

What I Wanted to Do

I wanted to update my NPM from 6.9.0 to latest so I can add React.

What Happened Instead

Received the “cb() never called!” error and all versions have stayed the same (or were not installed)

Reproduction Steps

sudo npm install -g npm
sudo npm install -g create-react-app


Platform Info

$ npm --versions
$ node -p process.platform

(post withdrawn by author, will be automatically deleted in 24 hours unless flagged)

Following the steps here actually fixed the issue. Everything is golden.